Retard X Files
by Skulz
Summary: What if the X-Files were run by retards? (They already are! …Kidding.) Well, here’s the story of Mulder and Scully’s retarded journey for handicapped conspiracy.


Retard X-Files ((THIS IS NOT POLITICALLY CORRECT!!!))  
By: Skulz  
Rating: PG13  
Genre: Humor  
Disclaimer: Mulder, Scully, Skinner, Doggett, Reyes belong to CC, 10-13 and FOX. The retards only being able to say their first name is all South Park's idea.  
Spoilers: The retard thing is basically a write-off of South Park's Timmy, and we all know that Mulder and Scully are lovers, I mean; it's SO obvious! .Skinner is fun to kill.  
Summary: What if the X-Files were run by retards? (They already are! .Kidding.) Well, here's the story of Mulder and Scully's retarded journey for handicapped conspiracy.  
Author's note: It's a story idea I've had ever since I tried to make strange crossover TV shows (Will and Grace Meets X-Files, etc). I know it's wrong and it makes fun of those who are handicapped, but nevertheless, here it is. (Very short chapters!)  
Feedback: Both good and bad make me happy. (Please let me know if you're offended by this work of fiction.)  
Dedication: To Britt Hagarty  
  
Chapter 1: Wheelchair Bound  
  
Agents Fox Mulder and Dana Scully sat beside each other on the 234 bus that would take them down to work. Today, being Green Day, they had both decided to be environmentally friendly and take the bus. Unfortunately, the two agents did not know that this one act to save the planet would cause destruction to their lives. It would leave them mentally challenged.  
  
Mulder looked over at his partner, (and when I say partner I mean much, much more than that) and sighed. He found her so devastatingly hot, and he knew she felt the same towards him. He loved her dearly, and she was the closest thing to his heart, he couldn't bring himself to say it. Or could he? "Scully. I."  
  
"Yeah, Mulder?" she replied.  
  
"Um. Are you gonna eat that tuna sandwich?" he asked, putting on a silly face.  
  
"Mulder!" Scully snapped, shooting him an angry look and grasping her sandwich just before he snatched it. They laughed as Mulder tried to get at the sandwich. "Mulder!"  
  
"I was serious," he protested. Scully put her arm around his shoulders and he did the same to her. "Scully, you're my best friend."  
  
"Thanks," Scully said, and began to hum 'Joy To The World'.  
  
Mulder smiled and remembered the time she had sung that song drunk.  
  
Suddenly, he saw a large truck was headed towards them. "No!" Mulder yelled as the bus and truck came into a head on collision. All went red.  
  
Doctor Richmond Gresham looked over the body of Fox Mulder. "He doesn't seem to be responding to the tests, doctor."  
  
"I know, but what can we do? He may be like this forever!" Doctor Samuel Friona replied.  
  
"Look! He's regaining consciousness!" Dr. Gresham exclaimed.  
  
Mulder looked around the room, sort of dazed. "Mmm," he mumbled.  
  
"Agent Mulder?" the two doctors said at once.  
  
"M-M-Mulder," Mulder said.  
  
"That's right. That's your name," Dr. Friona told him.  
  
"Mulder?"  
  
"Yes. Mulder," Friona replied.  
  
"Mulder."  
  
"Okay. Mr. Mulder do you remember where you live?"  
  
"Mulder!"  
  
"Yes. Now do you remember where you live?"  
  
"Mulder!"  
  
"Yes! TELL US WHERE THE HELL YOU LIVE!"  
  
"MULDER!!!!!"  
  
"I knew it would come to this," Dr. Gresham sighed.  
  
"Knew it would come to what?" Dr. Friona asked.  
  
"Severe retardation," Gresham replied, "Let's go check on the woman." The two doctors left Fox Mulder lying in his hospital bed, unable to get up. He continued to scream his name.  
  
The two doctors rushed into Dana Scully's room. She was conscious, and didn't seem retarded yet. "Dana Scully?" Dr. Friona began.  
  
"Aah." Scully mumbled.  
  
"Yes. How are you feeling?" Dr. Gresham inquired.  
  
"Mmm," Scully groaned.  
  
"Agent Scully. Can you speak?" Dr. Friona requested.  
  
".Scully."  
  
"Yes. Your name is Dana Scully. Can you tell us more?"  
  
"Scully?"  
  
"Um."  
  
"Scully! Scully! SCULLY!"  
  
"Oh, crap! Not another one!" Dr. Gresham exclaimed.  
  
"Severe retardation," Friona uttered.  
  
"That's right. And there's no way to reverse it. Agents Mulder and Scully are now officially retards," Dr. Gresham said, "And there is nothing more to do."  
  
Chapter 2: Skinner's Accident  
  
The next day, agent Fox Mulder went to work. He took the bus, because he obviously couldn't drive. He zoomed down the long hallways in his new wheelchair, all the while yelling, "Mulder! Mulder!" and bumping into people carrying large reports. He was happy. He suddenly swerved around the corner, crashing into Scully who was apparently doing the same activity. "Mulder." he said.  
  
"S-S-Scully?" Scully murmured, as she was quite shaken.  
  
"Mulder. Mulder! Aah! Mulder!" the retarded man screamed at the likewise retarded woman. The two handicapped FBI's began screaming at each other as if they were arguing like non-wheelchair bound people.  
  
Suddenly the two looked up to see Skinner standing above them. "What is this about, agents? I've been waiting for you all morning!"  
  
"Mulder." Mulder told him.  
  
"Agent Mulder is this some kind of a joke?" Skinner queried.  
  
"Scully!" Scully confirmed.  
  
"Aah. I see. You two have been watching that new season of South Park. Nice gag. But can we please get down to work?" Skinner demanded.  
  
"Aah!" the two agents yelled.  
  
Skinner backed away. He realized that this was no joke. Mulder and Scully were REALLY retards! "Um. I. Uh.. Bye!" Skinner called and ran down towards his office, almost screaming because of his experience. (He had always had a phobia of being chased down a long corridor by two handicapped FBI agents.)  
  
He stumbled into his office, panting and out of breath. "Did you find Mulder and Scully?" Agent Doggett asked.  
  
"Yes. and no." Skinner gasped.  
  
"What do you mean by that?" Reyes said in a bitchy manor.  
  
"They're. They're. Retarded!" Skinner managed to squeal before he fell to the ground, dead from the amazing shock.  
  
"Shit," Doggett and Reyes muttered in unison and walked out of the room, not seeming to care about Skinner's death.  
  
"Agent Reyes, don't you think we should've called a hospital. Or something?" Doggett inquired.  
  
"Trust me, John. We're better off if we pretend not to know. Maybe people will just forget about him," Reyes replied with a smile of idiocy. Doggett smiled back, with equal stupidity, and the two dumbasses walked down the hallway, like lovers, except for the fact that they were plotting to kill one another.  
  
Chapter 3: Final Love  
  
Dana Scully and Fox Mulder were going down the hall in their wheelchairs, mumbling unexplainable words to each other. Suddenly, they ran into Doggett and Reyes. Doggett screamed. "Oh my God!" he squealed, "What the shit!"  
  
"Mulder!" Mulder shouted in reply.  
  
"Holey crap." Reyes said.  
  
"Scully!" Scully yelled.  
  
"Right." Doggett and Reyes said at the same time. The two began to walk away.  
  
Mulder and Scully couldn't figure out why everybody was so afraid of them. Was there something wrong with being handicapped? He decided that he couldn't do to much more about this. Scully was his only friend left.  
  
Scully sighed, and wondered if he loved her as much as he used to. Did he still see her as the same person? Or had they both changed? Both retards-I mean agents- decided that they should show their true feelings before everything was changed permanently. "S-S-Scully." she began.  
  
"Mulder!" Mulder replied.  
  
"Scully?"  
  
"Mulder. M-Mulder. M-L-Love. M-S-Scully."  
  
"Scully?"  
  
"Mulder. Love. Scully."  
  
"Scully. Love. Mulder."  
  
The two held hands and smiled. They were lovers, and not afraid to admit it. The two lived "happily" ever after (after they were fired for killing Skinner). The end.  
  
THANK YOU FOR READING. I'M SORRY ABOUT THE REALLY CRAPPY IDEA AND STORY CONTENT BEING SO BAD. THIS WAS PROBABLY ONE OF MY WORST STORIES YET, SO I ONCE AGAIN APOLOGIZE. 


End file.
